Rainy days…

I never thought this week would come to an end. The days just crept by slower than “uncle” the tortoise….challenging moments at work and more deadlines added daily. sometimes i wonder if theres a plot that will take me out of the equasion and therefore im being pushed to my limits so that everyone gets their share before I crumble. Yes, this is what lack of sleep will do to one….make u paranoid!!
In between boardroom meetings and budget fights I rushed around the townships visiting various projects. The sight of hungry learners, great leaders and gratitude for the smallest contribution we make to their hunger for opportunity relieves my tension and calms the grumpy boss lady in me. It makes me question what I’m doing in a corporate environment when my greatest sense of happiness, of accomplishment is experienced there where I can truly make a difference. Where a little knowledge goes a long way.
The sadness of the sudden loss of a sibling of my one of my best friends just added to the insanity this week. It brought back painful memories and a sense of helplessness I don’t deal with very well. What can you say to comfort her?What would make sense or offer relief in this darkness she finds herself in? Food seemed like the only consolation I can offer right now.
Food always brings me joy and my kitchen is the one space I am most happiest. Besides my bed of course, if I  make it there long enough to be conscious of the rest my body gets. So I cooked and baked this week. Whisking through the hurt, chopping away the bad and ensuring it all consisted of comforting ingredients. The babies delight in sitting at the table in anticipation always hits the spot again. And my purpose is affirmed. These moments also confirm the belief that time with our loved ones is the most important thing in life. It’s what I should focus on more cause tomorrow is never garantueed. So hard to find this balance when you rushing around trying to save others, assuming that the patience and gratitude of the babies will always be there.
Buts its not all doom and gloom. Our hard work at the centre was awarded with provincial recognition and next week I’m off to the awards evening to see if our efforts will be awarded with national recognition. Sophie will be doing her Trinity Music School of London exams and my little man of the house brought back results of 90% and higher for his tests leading into exams…sheer pride and light in this home….
And whilst the ongoing rain waters the garden, fills the pool and washes away the hardships this week, I’ll get ready to pick up my very own power tools I ordered this week. New projects on the horizon….I hope they come in pink! Xx

E

Perspective…

A day into blogging and I’m stressing already….Blogs to deliver (frequency???), thoughts to share but insufficient energy in my mind and body to unravel the thoughts…And the frustration I feel about not yet mastering how this blog thing works or how to upload photos…arrghhh!! FB was way easier….but then I would have made two people in this world VERY unhappy…;)

Only Tuesday but it may as well have been Friday afternoon 3pm and that sense of not having a kilowatt (??) of energy left.Yesterday and today were one of those marathon days where I find myself going from meetings to meetings and signing off papers in the hallway with team members who know that this will be the only the chance they have, to get my attention. No time to take pics of life as I see it or moments I want to capture. Who wants to see the sea of papers on my desk or the list of things “to do” that have now turned into a file of things to do. Those images are burned in my mind…

The hardest battle is collapsing at home when I’ve given my all at work. I wonder if men in my position ever feel that way? Do they struggle with the fact that they are away from home a lot, or forget to pack in donations for tinned food collection at school and now their baby feels like the most disadvantaged child at school, or have to organise someone else to pick up their child because they just cant make it? And then the guilt that sets in!! I find enough energy to manage other people’s businesses but struggle at times to remember to buy milk for cereal. Today I managed to pick up one baby before closing time of aftercare and outsourced the other pick up. Still had my coat on whilst I put supper in the oven and answered questions. I had to proof read Sophie’s oral and fell asleep in the process. She woke me up “…mommmm!! is my oral THAT boring??!”

My respect for single moms has always been huge. I grew up with one, and only now do I really understand her greatness. Only now do I wish I never complained about her chronic fatigue and constant absent mindedness. To think that she had 5 babies and not the luxury of the certainties I have or options to outsource many of the household tasks.

And whilst I’m publicly complaining and having a mini pity party I know that the majority of people close to me are facing greater issues at the moment. That I have so much to be grateful for and it just places everything in perspective. Sending light and love to you.xx

 

 

 

New beginnings….

I’ve heard a few (2 actually) people comment on my inappropriate use of FB. My posts are too long and FB is not meant for that purpose. My immediate response was one of immediate shame, cause it feels like I got something wrong…Again!!! My other default response was one of being annoyed. ” So when did you become a voluntary FB police watchdog??? or ” Thanks for enlightening me on the FB policy and etiquette. Allow me to enlighten you…then don’t read them or unfriend me! A simple FB action…”

But one of my million good intentions for this year is to THINK before I speak. To ensure I use a filter before  I allow words to leave my mouth. To not respond in anger, but most importantly to stop caring what other people think about my decisions in life. I’ve done that way too long and besides I’m part of the “club of 38” now. Its about time I started growing up.

So I’ve done the unthinkable (in my mind) and finally started a blog!! Pfff…this is scary…another change and what if no-one reads them or comments. At least with FB you are guaranteed some form of response. The positive side is that I know for sure I’m making at least 2 people happy…hehehehe…

On my treasure hunting scavenge on Saturday, I bought a typewrite. A beautiful red “Olivetti”. Typical paradox of Ellen’s mind. Works in technology but wants a typewriter…Kids just smiled at me and shook their heads..

But I think it was a sign…a sign that I needed to relieve the protesting FB friends of my long posts. A thank you to those who have encouraged me to continue writing in the past year and always offered words of support in my daily madness. A sign of new beginnings….