I started a new page on the blog last night. It seemed like only the right thing to do on the first day of the New Year. I struggled a bit even though words gush out my mouth like Victoria Falls. I had so waited for 2014 and was so happy she was here. But the excitement end of anticipation was no where to be found yesterday. I had a quiet day which was the only option after my New Years celebration. A lovely brunch with my lifesaver and her family. And then a lazy quiet day of just existing. Laid in the sun and admired the pool. She needed some attention after my holiday but was all clear and glistening by the time I got to wade (read waddle) in her. I thought of my sheer sense of failure when turn it started turning green earlier in the year. I had no idea how to fix her and maintain her. But necessity is the mother of invention and I learned through trial and error.
The garden needs serious professional intervention. It turns out that although one of my biggest dreams is to own a small farm in the Karoo and just write and cook all day, I realise I will need a zillion rands to afford staff who come with their own green fingers and help me play Nigella meets Mother GoOse….
After a nap in the sun, my mind started running and I made my first to do list. Aargghhhh!!! It’s all fine bursting with positive energy and embràcing the new, but right there and then the first pressure point iS created. So I got up to make a slow start to my resolutions and new beginnings. I started clearing out some of the cupboards. I’m a hoarder by nature but for the last little while all my “stuff” has been bothering me. I’m tired of some of the clutter behind closed doors taking up space rent free and leaving no room for new things, memories or treasures. Being Ellen I did this in the most unorganized fashion and ended up with stacks of chaos and an even grater sense of unrest. I left those stacks unturned and fled to my sanctuary. The pink kitchen….the cupboards are empty and all I could find was a butternut squash and two red onions. So I started with making a pastry. Nothing like some dough in your hands to roll out all the thoughts in your mind. Chopped the butternut and roasted it with some herbs from the garden and a healthy serving of fresh garlic. Thinly sliced the red onions, added some brown sugar and balsamic vinegar and left that to stew in the oven. It seemed a bit crazy making a butternut feta quiche with caramalised onions and the babies aren’t even home. But creating something from nothing always helps settle me and affirms my ability.
It was then that I realized what the sense of unrest was within me. I am so eager to start this new year. i have been so desperate to leave behind the old. I made several pacts with the universe that I’d get things right if I got a new chance. That I wouldn’t fail and be hopeless. But new plans come along with new pressures. Expectations lead to disappointment. What if it turns out that there is no new me, that I cannot master new skills, that I will always be this chaotic, bossy, lazy pink person??
i know myself well enough to know that I’m not a New Years resolution kinda gal. That I hardly have a backbone and battle with discipline and structure. I’m never gonna run a marathon, not because I couldn’t but I simply don’t aspire to. Im never gonna get my money’s worth from my gym subscription or have killer abs. So could it be that my goals for 2014 are not to have goals? Except for maybe aspiring to accept me? To continue helping my clients achieve their goals cos that makes me happy. To have coffee in my garden and greet the canine babies every morning? To accept that cooking meals for my babies and friends is what makes me happy? That its ok to be almost 40 and still have a pink kitchen. That I will always be chaotic and plan NOT to plan? That the only plan for 2014 is to laugh more, love daringly, give the babies more sloppy hugs and kisses, spend more time with friends, be kinder to me and spend more time in my kitchen??
Just be happy, that’s my plan for 2014!! Wishing all of you the same….xx