Almost feel like I need to tiptoe back into my public diary. I can’t believe I’ve been gone for so long. It’s not that I had nothing to say its just that a lot of it was not for human Internet consumption….
Lots has intrigued me. Lots has happened…lots didn’t happen that I had hoped for…..I tend to go silent when I’m truly overwhelmed. And I’m not the silent kind. I’ didn’t expect to be stuck in my overwhelmed state for so long. And that brought on shame and the ever lurking sense of failure. So I basically never win. But I’ve seen in the last few months that this sense of shame is not solely self inflicted but supported and stimulated by the majority of people around us.
I’ve been intrigued by the discussions on the net regarding a high profile case and the high level of violence in our country. I have been saddened by a few successful women in my environment who are seemingly stuck in situations of toxic relationships. They cry like little girls not knowing how to fix someone else’s happiness. I suppose they have been reduced to that exactly. Little girls with no sense of control of their situations or fear. I’m amazed by how easy people judge the perceived victims or fools….women in particular display little solidarity to their sisters in trouble. The old boys club stick to each others sides. People questioning how intelligent women get involved in toxic situations. No one rarely asks the question how intelligent, seemingly respectable men display controlling or violent behavior in the supposed sanctuary of their homes. So not only are the women ashamed but they are shamed by those on the outside….
In between surviving my own emotions and other people’s emotional outbursts I’ve been doing a little bit of growing up. There’s been lots of introspection. Is my attitude and old behavior still working for me? How do I go about letting go and taking baby steps forward in the confinement of shame and fear? There’s a saying in Dutch that describes people who worry lots as people only see bears on the road when they wish to start something. Well I’ve been trying to face my bears. Sometimes I get around them and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes i just allow them to exist and sometimes I befriend them.
Facing them has allowed some light at the end of the tunnel. I only can determine what my boundaries are and what I will accept from others but especially my own demons. I can’t erase what has happened or the choices I have made or what I have allowed to happen. I can however make different decisions moving forward. And the true realization of that freedom allows air into my lungs, brings about a sense of hope, gives me courage to move forward with my held high and make peace with my quirkiness. So what that I’ve been a social recluse for a few months. It’s been quite a big step just allowing myself to exist without a sense of compulsion to be nice. I’ve worked in the garden, pulled out weeds and discovered entangled flowers. The stove and oven have been doing overtime with all the recipes I think of that may disguise the discomfort with bursts of flavour. The downtime with the babies triggered my forgotten inner strength and stability. I’m going back to me. The good parts then…